you can't change what you can't return to .. so this is how I take it from here.

I wish I had a time machine.
I find something curious everyday. I see the way things I have done in my past become specifically my past and the things that I have done that have become and mapped out my future. But in all I see the memories. The memories of what I have done and what I have wanted to do (or wished I had not done) that make the bigger difference.
There are parts of my life that I feel like I have been so proud to do without second thought or hesitation. I feel that having done them is a huge part of who I am. Now I am never sure.
My question isn't what i think but how I think. I wonder the pros and cons constantly. I question my judgment, my notions, and my actions. I see the way that I am with my focusing meds/ without my focusing meds. The ability of my actions the consequences of my tough decisions. The way I view peoples reactions and the places I would be if I had taken the initiative to push my self before.
Here is a funny story. I have been on ADD meds for many years now. They have stunted my growth, been wrongly medicated, given me aggression when on the wrong ones, taken time of my life and messed with my mind. I have tried different types, dosages, and methods. I have seen where I go with out them in my system and with and I see the way I have been responded with both scenarios as well.
For many years I didn't see a difference of my body with the meds and without. Thats because I never saw anything wrong with me. From my last few years studying as a Psych major I have learned that ADD (even hen people like to say it is not real) are ignorant and pushy with what they THINK is the above all right. You don't know this and you can't judge. This is not a choice- not an excuse- not a justification. This is me.
HI, I am Yenny. I have a lack of impulse control. It comes from a chemical failure in my brain and it is perceived and classified as ADD. It does not help that I have an overly high processing rate and information comes out very differently for me than it does for others. I take Adderall now everyday because it helps me zone in. It is not abused, nor a crutch. It is a corrector of something out of my control that I have tried in the past to do and have seen major falls in my ability when I know, and others notice as well, the potential I have.
I see that kids are given different treatments as they are younger but I have seen this and I am noticing more and more that I wish I didn't need this. In the past year I have finally understood myself. It took focusing long enough and coming to enough ideas that I was going crazy or over reading/ being over sensitive to others for me to see that it was not me at all. It was other people I was understanding and reading into without being aware. I have a talent. One I am not sure of yet as to if it is a Gift or a harmful ability.
If you say something to me, I will not take what you say but I will read your body language and your expressions. I will see into what you say and respond to that. It seems weird and it challenged me through middle school and high school- but it is somethign that as a freshman in college I realized I was doing. I was making the reactions i read as only my own thoughts and taking the words for what they were without question.
I realized how I had worked hundreds of situations in High school and made the time and effort to be there for others thinking it would be reciprocated. People make me remember everyday that I was never given back those emotions and that even though I couldn't figure out why I was so upset my whole time was because I was not understanding what it was that I needed to.
This may seem like a tangent but understand this. My relationship with my mother is rocky, and that is the best way to say it. But through her actions and my whole childhood I learned to feel out situations, moods, expressions, and people in seconds of walking into a room. I see this as a great thing but I didn't know that back then. My mother is always rocky in her moods but my mother has an amazing sense of people.. a great example being she is the only person I knew who pegged one of my childhood friends fathers as a predator her first time meeting him. I was four and she told me to be careful when I was 11 saying every time he got too close or tried to hug her hello her skin would crawl. When I was 18 I found out he was sexually inappropriate with his daughter and wife. <-- the emotions she had had been instinct. How I felt about my instincts and the readings I got from other people was to me torturous. I didn't understand why I was thinking this and which was right (my opinions or their words and actions) or if I was just being ridiculous.
I read people because I see a spark or a flicker. Sometimes I think of my past actions and I get angry at myself out loud. Mentally kicking myself in the ass or feeling like I was a fool. And then I remember that I am probably the only who will remember these things and as much I feel better- the only difference is I don't feel my head start going into over load and shock. I don't feel like there are hives breaking out over my back and that slightly heated "tightening" feeling goes away. These are those feelings I get from having my opinions run in different ways and the over whelming panicked and quickening feeling I get as I start tightening up and replaying over and over the thoughts.
These are the memories I feel when I see my mother flare up or start seeing the rage and aggression come out. To control would be amazing. To never have had these from my past would inspire a new life for me. Worst of all to be able to switch topics and "space case" that I was ever thinking about the topic that caused the frustration would make my whole world better. And then I remember to have one with out the other really is not as possible as I think. Its one way or the other.
I wish there was a machine to take me back and start my meds (the right ones) earlier. like high school?? I wish there was a way to make my mother understand and behave differently. I wish there had been a different way for me to respond to her. I would make childhood different. But then again I guess that's why there are different people in the world huh?
I'm telling you, I wish I had a time machine.